Jesse got his wisdom teeth pulled today. Not to be upstaged by general anesthesia and a surgeon, Mike came home from work with signs of a potential cold.


For Jesse, I hand him a bowl of clam chowder and a vicodin.

For Mike, I make him chicken noodle soup, pepper, tea, cut up an orange, bring him some water and vitamin C and then bring him Nyquil.
While I am "working".

Because Janee is less of a pain in the ass when she has a friend over to entertain her, I allow her to have a girlfriend over for extended periods of time.

Her friend is a negative pain in the ass and by that I mean she regulates Janee and cleans up after herself and can often be found cleaning up toys and just being generally helpful.

Typically, Margarite keeps Janee out of my hair but today with the men on their death beds, there was no stopping the importance of Janee's needs.

*knock knock*

Can you help me with the air compressor to pump up a soccer ball I found in the drainage ditch?
Can you help me bleach the dirt stains from my soccer sweatshirt?
Can I have a cookie?

With warnings from the doctor that tomorrow is usually the worst for wisdom teeth, I can only imagine the severity of the problems Janee will acquire tomorrow. 

Welcome to the neighborhoood!

About a month ago, our new neighbors were sitting in 2 separate cars yelling profanities at each other.  The man got so mad at the lady, he ran into her van with his van and sped away. After a 15 minute car chase, it was quiet for a little while.....

This all took place weeks after the man lit out property on fire weedwacking. "I thought my legs felt hot"

Luckily, I have yet to see these people up close. This is the way Mike and I would like to keep it.

Unfortunatley, when coming home Saturday the van was parked near the bottom of my driveway with the window down and I caught a glimpse of the ladies face.

"Wow" was all I could muster.

Followed closely by Janee asking if she looked like she was on Americas most wanted to which my only response was I think maybe on the show cops instead getting busted for drugs.

I typically would not condone this sort of talk with the kid, because it is not nice and such, but because this lady was so scary...I made an exception.

Apparently, the right one too as Mike made his way home 15 minutes later and said "The lady in the van? Wow!"

Christmas! A time for love and joy and family and giving and being a giant bitch even before you have given your family your Christmas list and having no idea what you are getting but throwing fits anyway because you think your getting the short end of the stick and are going to get ripped off while the rest of your family is drapped in diamonds and cars and so you throw so many tantrums your family wants to lock you in your bedroom for months.

Ah Christmas.

Yesterdays conversation:

"When will you go buy me new jeans?"

"Why don't you ask Santa?"

"CHRISTMAS IS NOT FOR NECESSITIES. THOSE ARE THINGS YOU HAVE TO BUY ME. CHRISTMAS IS FOR FUN STUFF"

*Storm into the house*

At least she isn't over the top or dramatic much.....

You know school is out when....

You catch Jesse in the kitchen washing dried rattlesnake guts off his knife followed up 15 minutes later by him asking for superglue.

And 1 more....

"Hey, I am doing a load of whites. Anyone who wants whites done, put them in the laundry room"

"I don't have whites, all my clothes are red and black"

15 seconds later:  "But, will you have a chance to wash my white soccer sweatshirt before the game?"

**sigh**

Ridiculous things people say to me.....

While I work:

1) What happened to my packs of Nerds in the kitchen? (Asked by the person who went trick-or-treating and brought back 6 pounds of candy)

2) Mom, I have poop on my leg.

3) You know, if we ever have a giant earthquake, make sure you drive slow over the bridge on the way out of here.

4) Where is Harlee? (asked by any of the 3 in charge of watching her)

5) Can I go to Kathy's house to babysit at 3:30? (not a bad question).....but followed up by.....Can I go to Kathy's house to babysit? (asked at 3:28 - which is why that is a dumb question.)

6) 4 phones calls later I finally pick up the phone "Sorry to bother you while your working but I got a new ball for my kids, can Janee come over and see it?"

7) Eminem screaming "you can suck my D***" over and over again while rambo works out outside...

8) Christy, they finally pulled the house next door down with a tractor

and this is only about 3 days worth......

Christmas

Ipod touch
Ipad
Cell Phone
X-box and 40 games
WII and 40 games
Trip to Tahiti
Private Jet


Yes, we probably have the only kids over the age of 5 with no cell phones, but really, what the hell do we need to be paying for 1 for? So they can text their friends all night? Pick up the damn house phone for gods sake.

And a shout out to Janee who says she can't call her friends because she has no cell phone - I am fairly certain the house phone (which is cordless) can be carried into your room and dialed out to any friend you may want to call. I digress...............

Because my older kid's Christmas lists are always unreasonable, I have become very good at listening for cues for cheaper items throughout the year.


For the last 1-1/2 years, Janee has wanted the Lion King DVD. Because Disney was prepping to re-release it, you couldn't find it in the stores....or even in a video store. Disney is clearly going broke so they have to keep us all away from it as long as possible so they can make some money re-releasing it.

Anyway, I had some Best Buy rewards that were expiring soon so I spent $30.00 of them on the freakin DVD which just pisses me off to no end.....but anyway...

I store it in the closet thinking 1 Christmas present down.

At LEAST 15 times in the last 2 weeks, she has brought up buying or renting Lion King. Because I am not going to listen to this crap and make up excuses on why we can't see the movie for the next 2 months, I told her Merry Christmas and gave it to her on Friday.

She was all excited. At the time.

However after this happens continuously and she ends up with 1 sock under the Christmas tree, I just can't wait to see her face on the 25th.

Although maybe it will be a nice way to teach her a lesson on making reasonable Christmas gifts.

Blowing wind

I have to preface this with:

I am not foolish enough to think anyone cares what other people's kids say.  It is usually never funny to anyone that is not the parent....


Yesterday Brody farted


"Did you just fart?

"No!! I am blowing wind!"

"Where did you hear that from?"

"I heard it from my butt"


Obviously.

Things I wish my daughter knew

Just because mom and dad are doing something, doesn't necessarily mean it is fun. For example, laundry, changing the oil, vacuuming - really, your not missing a good time if you just go play somewhere else....

When at the grocery store, I drive there, unload the kids, collect the groceries, pay, load the car, drive home, unload the car and put all the groceries away by myself. You sit in a stoller with a juice box and a bag of goldfish crackers and then come home and watch TV. Clearly you win. No need to get upset.

When I make 1 meal and separate it into 6 plates, what I am having is no better than what you are having. In fact, it is the same damn thing.

When I lay you down for a nap, it is not because I hate you. Cherish the nap. There will come a time when you will wish you could nap, but you will be to busy doing something horrible, like working or cleaning, and not have the chance.

When you are finished eating, just go ahead and let me know by saying I am done, or even screaming as loud as possible.....There really is no need to throw all food you don't want across the room or set in on the window sill. And....while we are on the subject....putting the food you don't want underneath you isn't really hiding it because as soon as I remove you from your seat, I am going to find it.

I have become a total lazy ass

Since my house has become Fort Knox...

Let's say I am working at my desk and finish a soda. To save the environment, I should recycle my can. Here are the steps:

1) Open my bedroom door, and hike over baby gate.
2) Hike over baby gate #2.
3) Run past Harlee in hopes she doesn't see me because if she does I will not be able to get back to work without her crying hysterically.
4) Unlock deadbolt
5) Unhook chain
6) Go on deck recycle
7) Shit, Harlee saw me and ran outside - chase her down.
8) Put her back in house, listen to her sream bloody murder because how dare I put her inside.
9) Lock the deadbolt and chain
10) Yell at Harlee for opening to door and pulling on the chain.
11) Listen to her scream even louder.
12) Climb back over 2 baby gates
13) Try to go back to work in a job where I have to listen over the screams of my child.

Seems easier to leave the can alone doesn't it?

Just sayin'

How come the older kids get, the more retarded they become?

My neighbor is decided to hire Jesse to throw away pine tree clippings. There were quite a few but he offered him $40.00. This is good pay and supposedly Jesse told him it was too much, but the neighbor insisted.

This is really not the biggest project because even though there are alot of parts, our community trash dumpster is literally 20 feet away from where the clippings lie.

He picked up all the big pieces making sure to only put them halfway in because any more than that wouldn't be halfassing a project and then it just wouldn't be Jesse.

Come on for $40.00 you cant even get them ALL the way in?

He then came back up to the deck where we keep a wheelbarrow of our daily trash that the kids take down to the dumpster every other day. "Can I borrow the wheelbarrow?" "Yes, empty the trash too, would you?"

He nodded, gave us the look as though we are dumbasses for even daring to mention this, and then proceeded to dump the entire wheelbarrow out on our property and take them empty one down to the dumpster where he was working on the pine trees. 

The only reason I am blogging about this right now is because I stopped work to get a snack and noticed on the table:

3 dirty plates
A bowl of tuna
2 used milk cups
Enough crumbs to make something really big that uses crumbs
About 30 crayons

And not one single soul.......

If I could take all the hours I spent following "no one" around (because you know it was no one again) and telling them to clean up their crap, I can only imagine the time I would have on my hands.....

Does it make me mean that I seriously consider taking the time to move all of these dirty items and placing them in the room of the person I know did it?  Just sayin'

Technically I have been working out of the house since I acquired all these children.

Other adults that live here (I won't mention any names) believe that I sit on my ass all day trying to figure out DNA testing for the lady on Maury with 8 different potential fathers....

BTW, rather than judging that girl and thinking she is a hooker, may I suggest that she may be smart? I mean she has a 1/8 probability that she gets a father that actually might be helpful...

I digress

While working from home, at my actual job, I utilize the TV as daycare combined with Brody. Yes, parent of the year here, but still better than daycare I assume.

Much to my dismay, in 1 day, my child learned how to:

Rip down the baby gates (kick low in the corner)
Turn round door handles to open the door
Turn round handles through plastic childproof handles
Unlock the deadbolt

This is a disaster because I work with headphones on - which means I am totally relying on Brody to "tattle" on his sister.

Yesterday we found her in the street spraying sunscreen into the wind.

We have since chained up the door like a cheap motel.

I can't say I am excited to find out how she figures out that one.......

Last night I finished working at 10 p.m. I went to the kitchen and passed by the kid's bathroom. It smelled like Comet cleaner.

Had it of been noon and I had not just finished working a 10 hour shift, I might have been more clear headed, however instead I smelled the comet, flipped on the light switch to see if it was clean. It actually looked like the kids idea of clean so I proceeded to the kitchen thinking "Holy Shit! the kids just cleaned the bathroom without being told!"

What a fool

This morning, upon waking up and walking by their bathroom again, I realized that it STILL smelled lke Comet even after 3 showers had been taken and teeth supposedly being brush and assumingly, the toilet being flushed a few times....cleaner smell doesn't last that long.

I decided to investigate. I mean, it wasn't like I was smelling poo or rotting food so how bad could it be?

That is when I discovered a 5 inch round by 2 inch thick chlorine tablet (from the swimming pool supply we keep outside) sitting in a ziplock bag with about 1 tablespoon of water inside. There could have been more, but once the chloring tablet started eating through the bag and the cupboard base, I am sure water leaked out as well.

The kids will be home soon and I seriously can't wait for this one.

Anyone have any guesses?

I am totally assuming that when I was growing up, I was a total pain in the ass.

I am also pretty sure that is standard.

I am not sure what my most irritating feature was but I know that, like all teenagers, I knew everything. I can remember regardless of what my mother said to me, always responding with a bitchy "I know". I could be asking for her help with something and I probably would have answered her with "I know".

I think I am pretty lucky, because my older kids are now 15 and 13, and I am just starting to get extreme ridiculous out of them.

I will save Janee for another day because frankly I don't have that kind of time....

But Jesse is going through this phase where not only does he know everything but if you tell him something you are calling him stupid - and actually Friday, I mentioned to the kids that they can rent a movie if they want to pay for it themselves and Jesse's actual angry response was "I know and stop calling me ignorant"

WTF?

Last night I was cooking 3 meals and Mike asked Jesse to get him some mustard, so I was figuring while Jesse was in there he could get the milk, so I said "Hey Jesse while your in there, could you get the milk?" to which he responded with "I am getting it, I am not stupid"

Ironically when the garbage disposal broke, Mike used hand motions and explicit instructions explaining the 2 simple steps to Jess, to fix it....I sat terrified while Mike spoke knowing Jesse was about to fly off the handle because Mike clearly was calling him the scum of the earth....

Jesse went in, fixed the garbage disposal and came back out.

Clearly Jesse must hate only me.....Oh well.

Mike "Did you find the spot to stick the wrench in?"

Jesse "What spot?"

Mike "The spot underneath the garbage disposal, like I said" using a hand motion for underneath

Jesse "You never said down there, you just said underneath so I stuck it into the garbage disposal and jiggled it around"

Mike "Since when does underneath the garbage disposal mean inside the garbage disposal?"

Jesse with voice getting louder and more irritated "Next time you want to tell me to do something you need to be more clear and give me better instructions - I don't know what you mean when you say underneath something" etc etc etc....." and then proceeded to storm away.

Wait, I don't get it, if we explain to you in detail, aren't we calling you stupid?? I am so confused....

This is going to be a fun one...

In other interesting news

I am in panic mode...

As usual, when we get invited to leave our property, it is a big deal and no one is prepared.

Thank god this time it was just Mike and I invited to leave....otherwise we would be in big trouble.

This Saturday is a wedding at the Ritz Carlton.

Because we have known about it for months, we decided to go shopping for a suit for Mike last Saturday which is still at the tailor, and I still don't have a dress.

I am still convinced that if I actually get on the treadmill, those last 386 pounds will just fall off by Saturday and therefore if I buy a dress today, it probably will be way to large by Saturday...At least this is what I tell myself to avoid actually going shopping.....

Child Abuse

Last year,before school, I took the kids school supply shopping. Backpacks, pencils, hair dye, - the usual....and in addition they each picked out a shiny new insulated lunch bag with a ice pack of their choice. Jesse picked out the standard blue circle and Janee picked out a soccer ball.

Months 1-2, Janee religiously used both the bag and the ice pack, Jesse stopped using either choosing the more efficient option of shoving his food in his backpack underneath his books.

Months 3-6, Janee used the lunch bag but stopped using the ice pack - I mean really, it is TOOO much work to walk from your bedroom at night to the freezer to refreeze it.

Then slowly, the lunch bag was dropped all together in honor of Jesse's efficient way.

During Summer, Janee proclaimed "I need a new backpack"

Why?"

"Because my backpack has bread crumbs in the bottom"

First of all, the fact that she used that as an excuse equals about 15 reasons why NOT to buy her a backpack, but I digress.....

Of course, we don't buy her a backpack. Our reasoning is it is not a necessity, her reasoning is because we are child abusers...but again, I digress.

She decides to go out and buy her OWN backpack *whine* because everyone else gets a new backpack before school *whine* and even though it is our responsibility to take care of her *whine* she will have to do it herself *wine*

So like the child abuser that I am, I drive her to Tilly's for her to buy a $32.00 backpack.

She makes sure the backpack she wants has an extra pocket this time for shoving her lunch into so it doesn't get mixed up with pencil lead - smart girl! All the while claiming the perfect backpack must have this pocket because she will not be using a lunch bag this year.

Days 1-3 - Like a child abuser, I pack her a lunch which she shoves her lunch in her backpack pocket...

Days 4-6 - Like a child abuser, I pack my 8th grader a lunch.  She takes her fruit, chips and granola bar to school but leaves the sandwich on the counter..

Day 7, Goes into a 10 minute tirade about how disgusting eating hot sandwiches is and how her friend has been buying her carrots at school to help feed her...

Dramatic much?

Needless to say, we are now the proud owners of 1 insulated sandwich container. Here's to hoping this will solve the new attitude the teenage girl is acquiring!

So, this weekend we had Brody's 4th birthday party which consisted of a trip to the dump and a small BBQ.

Our staple 4 people showed up as well as our new friends who live across the freeway.

I am baffled by 2 things about these people (And mother, in case you were losing sleep at night, baffled was Brody's word)

The first one is their daughter who seems to just chill out about 15 feet or less from them - not glued to their side, but just checking things out nearby. And interestingly, when they call her name, she actually looks up and seems to listen.

This could be an "at a stranger's house" thing and be different at home - I don't know - but what I do know is that the minute I let my almost the same age child outside, she runs off like a bat out of hell and has no desire to listen. I would be amazed if she actually knows her name just by the fact that when you say it, you may as be not talking at all.

Nevertheless, while Brody was opening gifts, I was chasing my shoeless dirtball out of the firewood pile...

The second thing that baffles me, is that they read. Actually, not the fact that they read, but the fact that they have time to read.

I used to read. Alot.

I may have read my last book in 2004, which us about when I met my husband and acquired 9 million kids.

I am apparently one busy person......although a little inspired.

Now with Janee starting school and soccer again, my husband potentially working double shift, me working more than full time, and attempting to teach Brody how to write and start reading which are apparently things you need to know to enter kindergarten, I am going to attempt to find some free time for myself. As always, I have good timing. 

And on another side note, since Janee is in soccer, and Jesse is on some funky eat only dinner diet, I may as well not be the only fatass running around - so - I am back on my diet, no booze, and I am going to unstore all the baby toys from the treadmill and use it.

Lets play a game

How many things can you find wrong in this post?

I probably shouldn't be blogging right now considering I have been typing for work for the last 10-1/2 hours. It should have been 8, but since I am such a great employee, when they asked me to help out for a few extra hours, I agreed. Of course, this meant shoving my kids in front of the TV for a total of 14 hours today at least, but so be it.

At least working distracted me from gettting sick. I have been telling everyone it is allergies all day in hopes that it actually might turn out to be. It isn't working. Aside from trying to convince myself I am not sick, I may as well convince my family, because lets face it, sick or not, it is not like I can sit on my ass and rest....so I may as well ignore it and keep on doing things....

As typical, because I am pretending not to be sick, someone has to one up me. Can you guess who?

My lovely husband who gets out of the shower tonight with a and I quote "small scratch in his throat"

He immediatley runs to his stash of antibiotics (He is a firm believer in never finishing a prescription).  In the process of this, we come across our random assortment of vicodine bottles. Foot surgeries, C-sections, idiots cutting their knuckles off, you name the situation, we have it.

There was 1 pill left in each bottle, and 1 was completly empty. Interesting. And not the way we last left the bottles. Fortunatley, because I am organizer of the year, they are all expired by about 1-1/2 years but still.
After staring at them in disbelief, my husband takes his antibiotic....except it wasn't an antibiotic - he took a vicodin instead on accident...

So, here I am sick, while sleeping beauty with a small scratch in his throat is passed out snoring.

To do list for tomorrow: Clean out cupboard.

Last weekend, we gathered up all of our unwanted crap, lugged it to a house with a driveway and proceeded to have a garage sale.

Typically, we advertise a 7:00 am start but people come at 5 am to get all the "good stuff".

We spent the night at my parents house (they were out of town) and threw a giant rager. Which in 39, 33, 15 & 13 year old terms means, we stayed up past 9pm playing the Wii.

Actually it was midnight - and I am only making that announcement because neither Mike or I have stayed up till midnight in at least 3 years....

Of course we were exhausted when the alarm went off a 5:30....we started to put stuff out, and no one came...My friends who were garage saling with us showed up at 6:15 - and still no one....

I got the paper - and advertised on the FRONT PAGE was:

BIGGEST GARAGE SALE IN LAKE FOREST HISTORY - 226 homes -

Not in our tract.....

So, we sat, and sat and sat and probably about 9 we got some people - we may have had 20 people come by, and we may have broke even with the gas it cost us to drive out to Lake Forest in the first place.

I think I will start looking at the dumpster in front of our house with a little more love from now on.....

Because I hate my children

I refuse to take them out to eat anywhere but Wendys.

Hello .99 cent value meal. It is really the only place I can feed my whole family for under $20.00 - and besides that, the always happy cashier gives me free apple slices for Harlee which is a score as it saves me $1.00. AND when I am really mean, I don't buy them sodas which saves me another $5.00.

So, the other day when my children who know anything (the J's) wanted to go to Subway, I found this funnier than any comedian I have ever watched at the Improv. They, of course, think I am a giant A-hole.

First of all, yes, it is healthy - or at least that is what they claim....but my kids have figured out how to make it the least healthy of all.....and most expensive.

Not only does Jesse think he needs to eat 2 footlongs, but once you factor in all the other crap, you are looking at at least $30.00.....and no wonder, he gets only bread, mayo and turkey. Sorry, not worth the $7.00 a sandwich they charge! For $7.00, you better be putting on extra of everything that is included for that price......just sayin'

Lets calculate:

Stater Brothers
Bread loaf    $1.50
1 Lb of GOOD deli Turkey     $4.99
1 Tub of Miracle Whip     $2.50
1 Bag of Dorritos    $1.99
1 Liter of soda     $.99
TOTAL:      $11.97 + tax

and that is IF you actually eat all of everything listed above.....

This is why I drug my kids to Ralphs the other day and bought (not kidding) 15 loaves of bread just because it was on sale for .99 cents a loaf.....

Besides, I LOVE the funny looks strangers give us......

Is it time for school yet?

I have no idea how crazy I drove my mom during summer vacation. I would like to believe I didn't. I grew up on a cul-de-sac with 15 kids. At least I had shit to do sometimes. Plus, being an only child, I grew up liking to read and do activities by myself sometimes.

It doesn't work this way here.

Currently, I have Jesse, the mad scientist, in the kitchen working on his 3rd science experiment he found on the internet that he may or may not complete just like the 2 before it. I did, however, just flip out on him for leaving sugar all over the kitchen literally from last night when he began making rock candy - no shit.

I also have 4 baby catfish in a Dr. Pepper 2 liter bottle in my kitchen window eating shredded cheese.

All this is going on while Janee plays beauty salon with Brody. I should be concerned yes, but Brody is such a man he just makes fun of Janee for playing beauty salon with him.

Meanwhile, I have no cushions on my couch and Harlee is in the corner hiding near an unzipped cushion pulling out the stuffing.

Time for school I think!

Hence my new definition of work -

Work = a justified reason to put on noise cancelling headphones and ignore all my children.

Magic sandwich container

As I was making the kid's lunch this morning, I couldn't help but ponder where the hell my sandwich containers have gone.

In the effort to save every cent possible, as well as save the environment 1 ziplock back at a time, I bought 4 reusable sandwich containers. Over the course of the year, I have 1.

How is this possible? Don't you eat the sandwich and put the container right back into your lunch bag?

I would expect at least that they come home moldy because someone forgot it existed....but no. They are gone.

As usual, no one did it.

That is why this morning, I set no one's sandwich on the kitchen counter with no container, and I heard from my bedroom no one putting their sandwich in a plastic grocery bag.

I wonder if magically tonight, I will have 3 more sandwich containers in my sink?

Happy Easter!!!!

Reluctantly, I purchased the Easter supplies requested of me. I figured I agreed to it, I am not going to back out of it, but next time, I am going to call her up and invite them over for filet minon and scotch.....

Anyway, as I irritatingly unloaded the crap from my car annoyed by the fact that I still have to put it together, the phone rang. It was her.

"I think we should do something nice for Don since he is coming over for free."

"I agree, however I just spent X$ on easter supplies today and I, in addition, had to buy stuff for my own kids for Sunday. I am already over budget so all I can afford is to maybe bake some cookies"

"Well, I already had him over for dinner so I thought you could get something for him"

"Like I said, I am over budget already"

"Okay, I guess"

Seriously?

This should be interesting. Mike got home and told me to cancel because he was so pissed off at the situation he wasn't sure he could be cordial.

Let the fun begin!!!

In an attempt to make friends with my neighbor, I have agreed to go over to her house Saturday for an Easter egg hunt and BBQ.

At least that is what she invited me over for when she yelled with her quiet voice across the street at me while I was sitting on my deck having drinks with Mike, and my closest friend I was just seeing for the first time in 5 years and his traveling partner.

She, herself, is the complete opposite of me. Which is fine. Except that she is all I have out here. And she has 2, 2 year old daughters. They will be all Harlee has nearby.

I grew up on a cul-de-sac full of kids.....My kids are growing up stranded, friendless, and bored.

Much unlike her, I waited until I was not busy to pick up the phone and call her to discuss..

I asked her what time - 3:00

I asked her what we could bring over for the BBQ - To which she paused for what seemed like 30 minutes and said "uuuuuuuummmmmmmm I think maybe not a BBQ"

I pretended to not be offended that I just got disinvited for half of the event of someone I really dont even know...

Much to my surprise, she called back the next day telling me that - hot dog Don would be bringing his hot dog cart to her house free of charge and giving us all free hot dogs.

Then she asked me if we should do a pinata. I am thinking WTF, but tell her sure.

Fast forward to yesterday when she called and asked me if I could bring the eggs for the hunt. Sure! and 3 bags of candy... Sure. and the pinata.............sure?.........and a bat.........sure??

So to recap: She invited me over, hot dog don is coming for free, and I am providing everything.

And I am still sitting here trying to figure out how all this happened.....

Recently, I cut off 8 inches of hair.

I was fairly certain Mike never even knew because I always wear my hair up when I am around the kids since hair pulling is not my idea of fun.

Last Saturday, Mike and I were invited to a 40th birthday party for one of his high school friends. If you know Mike at all, you know that he has good friends from high school still - and somehow manages to maintain these good friendships by seeing his friends or talking to his friends once a year. This being said I have not seen Marty, myself, since Brody's second birthday party. he is 3 1/2.

I decided to get all crazy and blow dry my newly cut normally curly hair stick straight.

Mike and I then proceed to leave the house with him never saying a word about it. I found this truly amazing for him to not notice the 8 inches missing from my head as well as the fact that it looked totally different. I finally asked him about it. He looked confused and then surprised.

And yet, upon arriving to Marty's house, the first thing he does is give me a hug and say "what happened to your hair?".

I am at a point in my weight loss where everything I currently own looks like a potato sack. I am proud of this, of course, except that everything I own currently looks like a potato sack.

Of course I saved all of my before I got married clothes because - for sure I was going to fit right back into them as soon as I had Brody.

I was invited on a girls overnight trip which I am ecstatic about because I have seriously not been out with just girls and no kids in years. For real. So, my new goal is to lose my last bit of weight in 2 weeks so that I can wear the before I got married clothes rather than the potato sacks.

This is going to be done by continuing my low carb diet and cutting out alcohol.

Alcohol: A way to wind down at the end of the day with my husband (outside) (away from the kids) after a long day of 4 kids driving me nuts.

this could be an interesting 2 weeks.

The doctor is in

Yesterday I received a phone call from my neighbor who started the conversation off by saying "Christy, I need some parenting advice".

I felt extremely proud despite the fact that 1 kid was outside in the dirt with no shoes, the 3 year old was carrying around some rusted railroad ties, the 3rd was "cleaning" her shower hating me for making her do it, and the 14 year old was sitting outside with his feet up drinking his 2nd Mountain Dew in 2 hours.

"What can I do for you?" I asked proudly.

Apparently her 2 years old twins are sick, but 1 of them has been vomiting all morning. I immediately felt at ease because unfortunately, I have become an expert in vomiting kids.

She says "Amy has thrown up 5 times already. What can I do?" She then proceeded to tell me the list of things she tried to feed Amy - Milk, yogurt, vegtables -

May I just say (and maybe it is just me) that I have never once thrown up and then thought wow! I would love a giant glass of milk right now!

I start panicking and trying to come up with a response where I can say Wow! Your crazy! Without saying "Wow! Your crazy"

So, being Dr. Christy as I am, I pull out my crazy magic tricks and suggest Pedialite and toast, and then tell her that dairy is probably the worst thing you can give her.

So about 10 minutes later I hike over to her house, and she is shaking nervous. So I gave her the 2 best pieces of advice I had for her.

1) If she is crying real tears, she is not dehydrated.

2) Although no one wants a puking child, everyone wants the extra time that their sleeping all day provides.

Wished her good luck and went back to my house to clean up the tiki torch oil off of Harlee who Mike and Jesse were watching.

The lesser of two evils

Confession: I have slept through the night 1 time in the past 2 years. This is due to insomnia and the fact that I have to go in to Harlee's room at least twice a night - move her crib to find the pacifier that she has lost and shove it back in her mouth.

Every time I do it, I want to kick my own ass for her having it at all and repeat over and over as I am laying in bed "trying" to "fall asleep" that this will be the last night.


Then there is daytime.

My kid has zero coping skills. It is pandemonium if she is not happy. This could be caused, for example because she is strapped to the shopping cart in a 5 point harness and she would rather nose dive out of the cart and knock her self unconscious or because Brody is playing with a hammer and won't give it to her. And it comes on suddenly, and LOUD, and doesn't end quickly. This is all nothing new, and it is all the reason I started her on the pacifier at 4 months (you know, the month they tell you to get rid of it by??).

So, here I am trying to figure out the lesser of the two evils?

Me trying to sleep at night and exist during the day with her screaming ways.

Or

Keep the pacifier until she is 18 and deal with the lack of sleep.

Stellar parenting..

Brody has now entered what to me is his most annoying phase to date. And, sadly, I think I may have caused it.

So 2 months ago, we (me and my herd of children) went to Robin's brothers. They have, in the store, a play area for kids because apparently people buying engagement rings need something to occupy their children...to each their own, but just sayin'.

Seconds upon wandering into the store, Brody ran off for the play area. I picked up my newly sized engagement ring I haven't worn since before my feet and hands grew 100 sizes (Thank you pregnancy), and we left.

We only walked for about 4 minutes down the mall before I yelled "Where is Brody?" And the J's and I proceeded to stare with wide eyes, and all 3 of us were trying to figure out what the F had happened to him. Finally the IB student proclaimed "OMG we left him in the store!" (Brownie points for him for having an answer!). He bolted back to get him and I ran pushing the stroller behind him and there was my Brody. Crying hysterically in the arms of the angry Robins brothers associate. Jesse, walked up to her and grabbed Brody and ran back out the door.

wow did we all feel stupid.

Don't worry if your thinking I am an a-hole parent. My payback is here in the form of the above mentioned "worst phase ever".

Consequently now, if I go into the bathroom, or the kitchen or anywhere that is not right next to him, he will freak out. "Mom, what are you doing?" "Mom, where are you going?" "Mom," "Mom" "Mom" and he typically can be found wrapped around my feet while I am trying to walk.

I am really hoping this is a normal phase for all kids that will pass quickly because the alternative is that I have scarred him for life...

$$

In this nerve wracking time right now that I am awaiting my fate with school and the necessity of my geting a job immediatley, I have to say...

Swagbucks how I love you.

With my school, I spend about 5 hours a day searching the internet. I use swagbucks to search, earn swagbucks, and then save them up for gift cards.

My favorite being the amazon.com gift card.

I usually seem to earn a gift card every other week for doing nothing but working on school.

Swagbucks


At least it makes school good for something right now.

I was able to get myself some reference materials for school and some hardcore hand healing lotion for free. Thank you Amazon Prime, for your free 2 day shipping.

Lately, I have become obsessed with coupons.

The $350.00 a week grocery bill was not working out anymore. And, that 350.00 didn't even include any meat!

So, yes, I am that girl now. But I tell you what, I have cut the bill down to about $150.00 - $200.00 a week.

And the checker even complimented me. Hey, I am surrounded by kids ALL day and married to Mike, I will take a compliment from a stranger.

This savings has inspired me to put more time and effort into buying things, and seriously, I am horrified at how much money I have wasted in my life.

It takes 30 seconds to search (using swagbucks) for printable coupons to wherever your going....

Tract houses

Most people live in homes near others. In fact, I have never heard of driving to your neighbors house unless you live in Nebraska. But whatever.

Needless to say, we do. Drive to our neighbors that is.

We are also surrounded by endless weeds. So what if our entire housing area flooded with rain. This produces nothing more than...weeds.

These weeds dry out...and produce dead weeds. This combined with heat produces fire- If provoked.

Okay, enough higher education science.

All of this BS equals an unnecessary fear of my house burning down.....

Fair.

We live on 2 1/2 acres of dirt, weeds and crap surrounding our small house of "valuables" Please know I use that term loosely.

So, anytime some A-hole has a fire at his house, I feel as though the death of our pile of house is near.

For instance, as I sit here typing, I smell fire.

Do I either A) wait for the demise of my household or B) Make a drink and sit on the deck watching the firetrucks try to find their way around here?

I chose C) none of the above - instead do your schoolwork online and pretend you don't smell it but really you are dying to go outside an investigate because you cannot take it any longer.......and it is only a matter of time before you actually do.

But really, given my people around here, the real story is probably something only some could image.

That age old question

How can one like milk on cereal 4 out of 7 days a week? And also, how does one figure out which 4 days those might be?

Interestingly Brody will talk nonstop about everything in the world all day every day, but this is an answer he will never tell.

And he is very wise with it to - he keeps me on my toes. For example this morning he said "Mom, may I have some chocolate cereal with milk on it and a big spoon?"

Ah yes, one might think from hearing this that he wants milk, but alas upon setting his bowl of the above mentioned treat in front of him this morning, I realized he really didn't want milk....and so did all of my "neighbors".

Because I am mean, I refused to take it back and give him something else until it turned into clay - Which BTW didn't actually take as long as I was hoping so it kind of lost its effect....

Can't wait to see what tomorrow's breakfast will bring!

Undiscovered Talent

the other day, Mike was in our restroom. typically I would rather hop in my car and drive the the Shell station down the road than venture into my kids bathroom.

You see, I am a true believer in the fact that when you leave a restroom, whether it be to shower, or wash hands, or pee and then wash hands, you should always come out cleaner than when you went in.

Apparently my children disagree.

Because I can be nice to my kids at times, I decided I would clean their bathroom for them. Maybe I was delirious while making this decision or beyond ecstatic that they are back in school again..I don't know.

But the exciting discoveries I found in there inspired me to Blog again.

I mean, the trash can filling was more complicated than solving a Rubik's cube. I am fairly certain that to put the toothpaste box in there, someone had to remove trash, reorganize and put the trash back in.

And the way someone used the salicylic acne treatment to tie die the carpet and towels!! How artful!

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am also certain that when asked about it, no one that lives in my house did it.