Blowing wind

I have to preface this with:

I am not foolish enough to think anyone cares what other people's kids say.  It is usually never funny to anyone that is not the parent....


Yesterday Brody farted


"Did you just fart?

"No!! I am blowing wind!"

"Where did you hear that from?"

"I heard it from my butt"


Obviously.

Things I wish my daughter knew

Just because mom and dad are doing something, doesn't necessarily mean it is fun. For example, laundry, changing the oil, vacuuming - really, your not missing a good time if you just go play somewhere else....

When at the grocery store, I drive there, unload the kids, collect the groceries, pay, load the car, drive home, unload the car and put all the groceries away by myself. You sit in a stoller with a juice box and a bag of goldfish crackers and then come home and watch TV. Clearly you win. No need to get upset.

When I make 1 meal and separate it into 6 plates, what I am having is no better than what you are having. In fact, it is the same damn thing.

When I lay you down for a nap, it is not because I hate you. Cherish the nap. There will come a time when you will wish you could nap, but you will be to busy doing something horrible, like working or cleaning, and not have the chance.

When you are finished eating, just go ahead and let me know by saying I am done, or even screaming as loud as possible.....There really is no need to throw all food you don't want across the room or set in on the window sill. And....while we are on the subject....putting the food you don't want underneath you isn't really hiding it because as soon as I remove you from your seat, I am going to find it.

I have become a total lazy ass

Since my house has become Fort Knox...

Let's say I am working at my desk and finish a soda. To save the environment, I should recycle my can. Here are the steps:

1) Open my bedroom door, and hike over baby gate.
2) Hike over baby gate #2.
3) Run past Harlee in hopes she doesn't see me because if she does I will not be able to get back to work without her crying hysterically.
4) Unlock deadbolt
5) Unhook chain
6) Go on deck recycle
7) Shit, Harlee saw me and ran outside - chase her down.
8) Put her back in house, listen to her sream bloody murder because how dare I put her inside.
9) Lock the deadbolt and chain
10) Yell at Harlee for opening to door and pulling on the chain.
11) Listen to her scream even louder.
12) Climb back over 2 baby gates
13) Try to go back to work in a job where I have to listen over the screams of my child.

Seems easier to leave the can alone doesn't it?

Just sayin'

How come the older kids get, the more retarded they become?

My neighbor is decided to hire Jesse to throw away pine tree clippings. There were quite a few but he offered him $40.00. This is good pay and supposedly Jesse told him it was too much, but the neighbor insisted.

This is really not the biggest project because even though there are alot of parts, our community trash dumpster is literally 20 feet away from where the clippings lie.

He picked up all the big pieces making sure to only put them halfway in because any more than that wouldn't be halfassing a project and then it just wouldn't be Jesse.

Come on for $40.00 you cant even get them ALL the way in?

He then came back up to the deck where we keep a wheelbarrow of our daily trash that the kids take down to the dumpster every other day. "Can I borrow the wheelbarrow?" "Yes, empty the trash too, would you?"

He nodded, gave us the look as though we are dumbasses for even daring to mention this, and then proceeded to dump the entire wheelbarrow out on our property and take them empty one down to the dumpster where he was working on the pine trees. 

The only reason I am blogging about this right now is because I stopped work to get a snack and noticed on the table:

3 dirty plates
A bowl of tuna
2 used milk cups
Enough crumbs to make something really big that uses crumbs
About 30 crayons

And not one single soul.......

If I could take all the hours I spent following "no one" around (because you know it was no one again) and telling them to clean up their crap, I can only imagine the time I would have on my hands.....

Does it make me mean that I seriously consider taking the time to move all of these dirty items and placing them in the room of the person I know did it?  Just sayin'

Technically I have been working out of the house since I acquired all these children.

Other adults that live here (I won't mention any names) believe that I sit on my ass all day trying to figure out DNA testing for the lady on Maury with 8 different potential fathers....

BTW, rather than judging that girl and thinking she is a hooker, may I suggest that she may be smart? I mean she has a 1/8 probability that she gets a father that actually might be helpful...

I digress

While working from home, at my actual job, I utilize the TV as daycare combined with Brody. Yes, parent of the year here, but still better than daycare I assume.

Much to my dismay, in 1 day, my child learned how to:

Rip down the baby gates (kick low in the corner)
Turn round door handles to open the door
Turn round handles through plastic childproof handles
Unlock the deadbolt

This is a disaster because I work with headphones on - which means I am totally relying on Brody to "tattle" on his sister.

Yesterday we found her in the street spraying sunscreen into the wind.

We have since chained up the door like a cheap motel.

I can't say I am excited to find out how she figures out that one.......

Last night I finished working at 10 p.m. I went to the kitchen and passed by the kid's bathroom. It smelled like Comet cleaner.

Had it of been noon and I had not just finished working a 10 hour shift, I might have been more clear headed, however instead I smelled the comet, flipped on the light switch to see if it was clean. It actually looked like the kids idea of clean so I proceeded to the kitchen thinking "Holy Shit! the kids just cleaned the bathroom without being told!"

What a fool

This morning, upon waking up and walking by their bathroom again, I realized that it STILL smelled lke Comet even after 3 showers had been taken and teeth supposedly being brush and assumingly, the toilet being flushed a few times....cleaner smell doesn't last that long.

I decided to investigate. I mean, it wasn't like I was smelling poo or rotting food so how bad could it be?

That is when I discovered a 5 inch round by 2 inch thick chlorine tablet (from the swimming pool supply we keep outside) sitting in a ziplock bag with about 1 tablespoon of water inside. There could have been more, but once the chloring tablet started eating through the bag and the cupboard base, I am sure water leaked out as well.

The kids will be home soon and I seriously can't wait for this one.

Anyone have any guesses?

I am totally assuming that when I was growing up, I was a total pain in the ass.

I am also pretty sure that is standard.

I am not sure what my most irritating feature was but I know that, like all teenagers, I knew everything. I can remember regardless of what my mother said to me, always responding with a bitchy "I know". I could be asking for her help with something and I probably would have answered her with "I know".

I think I am pretty lucky, because my older kids are now 15 and 13, and I am just starting to get extreme ridiculous out of them.

I will save Janee for another day because frankly I don't have that kind of time....

But Jesse is going through this phase where not only does he know everything but if you tell him something you are calling him stupid - and actually Friday, I mentioned to the kids that they can rent a movie if they want to pay for it themselves and Jesse's actual angry response was "I know and stop calling me ignorant"

WTF?

Last night I was cooking 3 meals and Mike asked Jesse to get him some mustard, so I was figuring while Jesse was in there he could get the milk, so I said "Hey Jesse while your in there, could you get the milk?" to which he responded with "I am getting it, I am not stupid"

Ironically when the garbage disposal broke, Mike used hand motions and explicit instructions explaining the 2 simple steps to Jess, to fix it....I sat terrified while Mike spoke knowing Jesse was about to fly off the handle because Mike clearly was calling him the scum of the earth....

Jesse went in, fixed the garbage disposal and came back out.

Clearly Jesse must hate only me.....Oh well.

Mike "Did you find the spot to stick the wrench in?"

Jesse "What spot?"

Mike "The spot underneath the garbage disposal, like I said" using a hand motion for underneath

Jesse "You never said down there, you just said underneath so I stuck it into the garbage disposal and jiggled it around"

Mike "Since when does underneath the garbage disposal mean inside the garbage disposal?"

Jesse with voice getting louder and more irritated "Next time you want to tell me to do something you need to be more clear and give me better instructions - I don't know what you mean when you say underneath something" etc etc etc....." and then proceeded to storm away.

Wait, I don't get it, if we explain to you in detail, aren't we calling you stupid?? I am so confused....

This is going to be a fun one...