Today I went to go take the trash out.  Sitting behind the trash can on the ground, is a giant bag of trash that came out of Jesse's room.  I asked him why he didn't put the trash IN the trash can. 

He took the time to look up from his video games to say "because I tried to throw it in the wheelbarrow and missed."

Of course.

Another day, another ER visit

So, Saturday was senior football day at Corona Del Mar beach put on by the team moms. 

Out of the WHOLE group of varsity football players, only one could be smarter, more skillful and braver than all of the rest......

For his bravery and skills, he will now be nursing 2nd degree burns on his shins with scars to follow as a reminder he will never live this down.





 

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had a list of fantastic names for her.  My top 2 were Audrey and Farrah. I was pretty adament on 1 of these 2 names. After much convincing, my husband finally agreed on Farrah, so clearly you can see why her name is Harlee.

Fast forward 2-1/2 years.

Brody came to interupt my work once again telling me to check out his room. He had cleaned it all up and reorganized it (I know, holy sh!t right?). Anyway, as I was praising his fantasticness, he decided to break the news to me.

"Mom, I have a pretend friend"

Having read somewhere not to laugh or discourage it, I asked him about his friend.

Audrey is its name

The twilight zone theme song starts playing in my head. I am pretty sure he didnt get that name off Sponge Bob Square Pants, so was he revisiting the 1940s in his sleep?

"What does Audrey do?"

Sleeps under me.

Okay, WTF?

"Um, is Audrey a boy or girl?"

"Audrey is a boy mom, he is my second friend and he sleeps under my bed."

Okay, I am slightly relieved and still mildly creeped out. 

As I leave Brody and Audrey to watch The incredibles in his room, I tell them both bye.

"Mom, Audrey is following you down the hall"

I thought I would return to blogging with todays edition of "what the hell" combined with "why texting is bad" combined with "guilt step mom into making bad descisions for me so I dont feel guilty myself for them later"

This conversation is brought to you by Janee:


Christy my new REALY hurts

J.l.g


What?


I mean my nee
J.l.g


Okay. What do you need?
And what is going on with it?


Idk it just REALY hurts when I walk I like limp and I was fine until after pe like it would stop hurting for like litalty for 5sec I could bearly walk up the stairs
J.l.g


Do you need to come home or can you wait till after school? Unless you know something serious is wrong, we will prob try ice packs and/or heating pads first.
The pediatrician will do the same thing they did for jesses hand - send you for an X-ray and call back in a few days, otherwise it would be the Er because I doubt vista medical group has an X-ray machine
And I doubt I can get you into the pedi today
So you tell me what you need. Can you walk ok? Are you at lunch soon so you can call?


Um I'll just stay at school and try not to walk even though I want to go home
J.l.g


Well it is up to you. I can come get you if you need me to. I don't know how you feel so it is your call


I can call u now but lunch is at 11:55
J.l.g



I'm going to stay because I don't no what's up with it
J.l.g


Okay. See you when you get home


K
J.l.g

And then an hour later:

R u out because if so can u pick me up we don't do anything in Spanish and were sitting so u don't have to but if your not out I dont want u to come pick me up
because I'll be fine
J.l.g



I am not out but if you need to come home, I will come get you



No I'm fine I was just saying if your out
J.l.g


Whether I am out or not shouldn't matter, your either fine or your not. Just tough it out a couple hours and we will deal with it when you get home.


K
J.l.g


**********************************************************************************

I am pretty sure by the last few texts from her you can gather how her knee really felt, it was that super horrendous pain you get in your knee when Spanish class becomes more boring than laying on the couch with an ice pack pretending your in pain, type of pain.

Of course when she got home she was hardly limping.

And getting her to put an ice pack on it was ridiculous..."It is to cold outside for an ice pack"

That is why at 8:00 p.m. last night, she said "I don't feel good"

Dont worry my sweet, summer is coming in a month....

This morning, I walked out into the kitchen to catch Jesse putting coffee grounds in a coffee filter, folding it up into a little square and dropping it in hot water in his to-go mug.

I asked him what he was doing to which he turned to look at me like I was a nut case and said "making coffee".

Clearly.

Because I sit around bored looking for projects to thrown myself into, I decided to put both Brody and Harlee's beds and dressers in Brody's room and all the toys in Harlee's room thereby creating a playroom.  The main reason is because Harlee's room is centrally located in the house which means whatever the hell is going on anywhere is heard in her room. (At least I am hoping this is why she is up so early).

And since neither of the J's can close a door by pushing down the handle and closing it quietly, the doors are slammed no less than 47 times each morning....

Given the fact that Harlee is still a disaster to be roaming around the house by her lonesome, I as usual figured out ways to trap her in the room -don't ask.

Morning 1 involved her getting up at 6:20 and waking up Brody only for him to yell "Go back to bed! I am still tired!"

I think I am making progress because this morning, I heard her screaming with excitement. I ran down the hall and when I opened the door, I found her jumping on Brody's bed as high as she could......while he was still sound asleep. 

May I take a moment to compare myself to Teen Mom 2?

Leah and her twin girls.

Everytime she is on camera, her kids just sit there and chill.

They rarely screech or cry.

Yes, 1 may have a genetic disorder, but the other one is healthy....

So I ask, what the hell am I doing wrong?

Maybe for 5 minutes out of each day do both of my kids "chill" and rarely ever, is this at the same time.....

And how does she have so much time for putting on all that makeup? And straightening her hair?

And why does her house always look clean? (Ghettoish, yes, but clean nevertheless)

Just sayin'

Life is not fair.

I am totally at a loss as to what to do with Janee.

Where I am right now is just instant outburst every time she does it and that is non productive as far as teaching her to not do it goes, however it is very productive in getting her to shut up and go pout in the corner, leaving me with silence. 

Nothing is fair. e.v.e.r.

I treat EVERYONE else better than her and poor her.

May I present you with a few examples from the last 24 hours alone?

30 minutes before dinner Jesse comes home from football practice and weights and starts making a protein shake.  He will still eat 2 pounds of dinner so that is fine.

Janee asks if she can make 1 - no because we are eating dinner in 30 minutes. It is not fair.

I give each of the men 2 rolls with dinner. That equals 4, plus 1 for me, 1 for Harlee, 1 for Brody and 1 for Janee. That equals 8, the total in the roll container. "How come everyone else in the house gets 2 rolls but me?"  It is not fair.

Jesse's girlfriend gave him an Ipod for his birthday. It is not fair.

Janee spent the night at a friend's house and we happened to order a pizza. "YOU pizza without ME????!?" evil eyes....It is not fair.

The thing is, it all is fair. We know this.

If she would comment and leave it alone, it wouldn't bug me as much but instead she voices her opinion and then proceeds to be a nightmare for at least 3 hours afterwards.....

Teenagers......sigh........It is not fair....

Jesse got his wisdom teeth pulled today. Not to be upstaged by general anesthesia and a surgeon, Mike came home from work with signs of a potential cold.


For Jesse, I hand him a bowl of clam chowder and a vicodin.

For Mike, I make him chicken noodle soup, pepper, tea, cut up an orange, bring him some water and vitamin C and then bring him Nyquil.
While I am "working".

Because Janee is less of a pain in the ass when she has a friend over to entertain her, I allow her to have a girlfriend over for extended periods of time.

Her friend is a negative pain in the ass and by that I mean she regulates Janee and cleans up after herself and can often be found cleaning up toys and just being generally helpful.

Typically, Margarite keeps Janee out of my hair but today with the men on their death beds, there was no stopping the importance of Janee's needs.

*knock knock*

Can you help me with the air compressor to pump up a soccer ball I found in the drainage ditch?
Can you help me bleach the dirt stains from my soccer sweatshirt?
Can I have a cookie?

With warnings from the doctor that tomorrow is usually the worst for wisdom teeth, I can only imagine the severity of the problems Janee will acquire tomorrow. 

Welcome to the neighborhoood!

About a month ago, our new neighbors were sitting in 2 separate cars yelling profanities at each other.  The man got so mad at the lady, he ran into her van with his van and sped away. After a 15 minute car chase, it was quiet for a little while.....

This all took place weeks after the man lit out property on fire weedwacking. "I thought my legs felt hot"

Luckily, I have yet to see these people up close. This is the way Mike and I would like to keep it.

Unfortunatley, when coming home Saturday the van was parked near the bottom of my driveway with the window down and I caught a glimpse of the ladies face.

"Wow" was all I could muster.

Followed closely by Janee asking if she looked like she was on Americas most wanted to which my only response was I think maybe on the show cops instead getting busted for drugs.

I typically would not condone this sort of talk with the kid, because it is not nice and such, but because this lady was so scary...I made an exception.

Apparently, the right one too as Mike made his way home 15 minutes later and said "The lady in the van? Wow!"

Christmas! A time for love and joy and family and giving and being a giant bitch even before you have given your family your Christmas list and having no idea what you are getting but throwing fits anyway because you think your getting the short end of the stick and are going to get ripped off while the rest of your family is drapped in diamonds and cars and so you throw so many tantrums your family wants to lock you in your bedroom for months.

Ah Christmas.

Yesterdays conversation:

"When will you go buy me new jeans?"

"Why don't you ask Santa?"

"CHRISTMAS IS NOT FOR NECESSITIES. THOSE ARE THINGS YOU HAVE TO BUY ME. CHRISTMAS IS FOR FUN STUFF"

*Storm into the house*

At least she isn't over the top or dramatic much.....

You know school is out when....

You catch Jesse in the kitchen washing dried rattlesnake guts off his knife followed up 15 minutes later by him asking for superglue.

And 1 more....

"Hey, I am doing a load of whites. Anyone who wants whites done, put them in the laundry room"

"I don't have whites, all my clothes are red and black"

15 seconds later:  "But, will you have a chance to wash my white soccer sweatshirt before the game?"

**sigh**

Ridiculous things people say to me.....

While I work:

1) What happened to my packs of Nerds in the kitchen? (Asked by the person who went trick-or-treating and brought back 6 pounds of candy)

2) Mom, I have poop on my leg.

3) You know, if we ever have a giant earthquake, make sure you drive slow over the bridge on the way out of here.

4) Where is Harlee? (asked by any of the 3 in charge of watching her)

5) Can I go to Kathy's house to babysit at 3:30? (not a bad question).....but followed up by.....Can I go to Kathy's house to babysit? (asked at 3:28 - which is why that is a dumb question.)

6) 4 phones calls later I finally pick up the phone "Sorry to bother you while your working but I got a new ball for my kids, can Janee come over and see it?"

7) Eminem screaming "you can suck my D***" over and over again while rambo works out outside...

8) Christy, they finally pulled the house next door down with a tractor

and this is only about 3 days worth......

Christmas

Ipod touch
Ipad
Cell Phone
X-box and 40 games
WII and 40 games
Trip to Tahiti
Private Jet


Yes, we probably have the only kids over the age of 5 with no cell phones, but really, what the hell do we need to be paying for 1 for? So they can text their friends all night? Pick up the damn house phone for gods sake.

And a shout out to Janee who says she can't call her friends because she has no cell phone - I am fairly certain the house phone (which is cordless) can be carried into your room and dialed out to any friend you may want to call. I digress...............

Because my older kid's Christmas lists are always unreasonable, I have become very good at listening for cues for cheaper items throughout the year.


For the last 1-1/2 years, Janee has wanted the Lion King DVD. Because Disney was prepping to re-release it, you couldn't find it in the stores....or even in a video store. Disney is clearly going broke so they have to keep us all away from it as long as possible so they can make some money re-releasing it.

Anyway, I had some Best Buy rewards that were expiring soon so I spent $30.00 of them on the freakin DVD which just pisses me off to no end.....but anyway...

I store it in the closet thinking 1 Christmas present down.

At LEAST 15 times in the last 2 weeks, she has brought up buying or renting Lion King. Because I am not going to listen to this crap and make up excuses on why we can't see the movie for the next 2 months, I told her Merry Christmas and gave it to her on Friday.

She was all excited. At the time.

However after this happens continuously and she ends up with 1 sock under the Christmas tree, I just can't wait to see her face on the 25th.

Although maybe it will be a nice way to teach her a lesson on making reasonable Christmas gifts.

Blowing wind

I have to preface this with:

I am not foolish enough to think anyone cares what other people's kids say.  It is usually never funny to anyone that is not the parent....


Yesterday Brody farted


"Did you just fart?

"No!! I am blowing wind!"

"Where did you hear that from?"

"I heard it from my butt"


Obviously.

Things I wish my daughter knew

Just because mom and dad are doing something, doesn't necessarily mean it is fun. For example, laundry, changing the oil, vacuuming - really, your not missing a good time if you just go play somewhere else....

When at the grocery store, I drive there, unload the kids, collect the groceries, pay, load the car, drive home, unload the car and put all the groceries away by myself. You sit in a stoller with a juice box and a bag of goldfish crackers and then come home and watch TV. Clearly you win. No need to get upset.

When I make 1 meal and separate it into 6 plates, what I am having is no better than what you are having. In fact, it is the same damn thing.

When I lay you down for a nap, it is not because I hate you. Cherish the nap. There will come a time when you will wish you could nap, but you will be to busy doing something horrible, like working or cleaning, and not have the chance.

When you are finished eating, just go ahead and let me know by saying I am done, or even screaming as loud as possible.....There really is no need to throw all food you don't want across the room or set in on the window sill. And....while we are on the subject....putting the food you don't want underneath you isn't really hiding it because as soon as I remove you from your seat, I am going to find it.

I have become a total lazy ass

Since my house has become Fort Knox...

Let's say I am working at my desk and finish a soda. To save the environment, I should recycle my can. Here are the steps:

1) Open my bedroom door, and hike over baby gate.
2) Hike over baby gate #2.
3) Run past Harlee in hopes she doesn't see me because if she does I will not be able to get back to work without her crying hysterically.
4) Unlock deadbolt
5) Unhook chain
6) Go on deck recycle
7) Shit, Harlee saw me and ran outside - chase her down.
8) Put her back in house, listen to her sream bloody murder because how dare I put her inside.
9) Lock the deadbolt and chain
10) Yell at Harlee for opening to door and pulling on the chain.
11) Listen to her scream even louder.
12) Climb back over 2 baby gates
13) Try to go back to work in a job where I have to listen over the screams of my child.

Seems easier to leave the can alone doesn't it?

Just sayin'

How come the older kids get, the more retarded they become?

My neighbor is decided to hire Jesse to throw away pine tree clippings. There were quite a few but he offered him $40.00. This is good pay and supposedly Jesse told him it was too much, but the neighbor insisted.

This is really not the biggest project because even though there are alot of parts, our community trash dumpster is literally 20 feet away from where the clippings lie.

He picked up all the big pieces making sure to only put them halfway in because any more than that wouldn't be halfassing a project and then it just wouldn't be Jesse.

Come on for $40.00 you cant even get them ALL the way in?

He then came back up to the deck where we keep a wheelbarrow of our daily trash that the kids take down to the dumpster every other day. "Can I borrow the wheelbarrow?" "Yes, empty the trash too, would you?"

He nodded, gave us the look as though we are dumbasses for even daring to mention this, and then proceeded to dump the entire wheelbarrow out on our property and take them empty one down to the dumpster where he was working on the pine trees. 

The only reason I am blogging about this right now is because I stopped work to get a snack and noticed on the table:

3 dirty plates
A bowl of tuna
2 used milk cups
Enough crumbs to make something really big that uses crumbs
About 30 crayons

And not one single soul.......

If I could take all the hours I spent following "no one" around (because you know it was no one again) and telling them to clean up their crap, I can only imagine the time I would have on my hands.....

Does it make me mean that I seriously consider taking the time to move all of these dirty items and placing them in the room of the person I know did it?  Just sayin'

Technically I have been working out of the house since I acquired all these children.

Other adults that live here (I won't mention any names) believe that I sit on my ass all day trying to figure out DNA testing for the lady on Maury with 8 different potential fathers....

BTW, rather than judging that girl and thinking she is a hooker, may I suggest that she may be smart? I mean she has a 1/8 probability that she gets a father that actually might be helpful...

I digress

While working from home, at my actual job, I utilize the TV as daycare combined with Brody. Yes, parent of the year here, but still better than daycare I assume.

Much to my dismay, in 1 day, my child learned how to:

Rip down the baby gates (kick low in the corner)
Turn round door handles to open the door
Turn round handles through plastic childproof handles
Unlock the deadbolt

This is a disaster because I work with headphones on - which means I am totally relying on Brody to "tattle" on his sister.

Yesterday we found her in the street spraying sunscreen into the wind.

We have since chained up the door like a cheap motel.

I can't say I am excited to find out how she figures out that one.......