Last weekend, we gathered up all of our unwanted crap, lugged it to a house with a driveway and proceeded to have a garage sale.

Typically, we advertise a 7:00 am start but people come at 5 am to get all the "good stuff".

We spent the night at my parents house (they were out of town) and threw a giant rager. Which in 39, 33, 15 & 13 year old terms means, we stayed up past 9pm playing the Wii.

Actually it was midnight - and I am only making that announcement because neither Mike or I have stayed up till midnight in at least 3 years....

Of course we were exhausted when the alarm went off a 5:30....we started to put stuff out, and no one came...My friends who were garage saling with us showed up at 6:15 - and still no one....

I got the paper - and advertised on the FRONT PAGE was:

BIGGEST GARAGE SALE IN LAKE FOREST HISTORY - 226 homes -

Not in our tract.....

So, we sat, and sat and sat and probably about 9 we got some people - we may have had 20 people come by, and we may have broke even with the gas it cost us to drive out to Lake Forest in the first place.

I think I will start looking at the dumpster in front of our house with a little more love from now on.....

Because I hate my children

I refuse to take them out to eat anywhere but Wendys.

Hello .99 cent value meal. It is really the only place I can feed my whole family for under $20.00 - and besides that, the always happy cashier gives me free apple slices for Harlee which is a score as it saves me $1.00. AND when I am really mean, I don't buy them sodas which saves me another $5.00.

So, the other day when my children who know anything (the J's) wanted to go to Subway, I found this funnier than any comedian I have ever watched at the Improv. They, of course, think I am a giant A-hole.

First of all, yes, it is healthy - or at least that is what they claim....but my kids have figured out how to make it the least healthy of all.....and most expensive.

Not only does Jesse think he needs to eat 2 footlongs, but once you factor in all the other crap, you are looking at at least $30.00.....and no wonder, he gets only bread, mayo and turkey. Sorry, not worth the $7.00 a sandwich they charge! For $7.00, you better be putting on extra of everything that is included for that price......just sayin'

Lets calculate:

Stater Brothers
Bread loaf    $1.50
1 Lb of GOOD deli Turkey     $4.99
1 Tub of Miracle Whip     $2.50
1 Bag of Dorritos    $1.99
1 Liter of soda     $.99
TOTAL:      $11.97 + tax

and that is IF you actually eat all of everything listed above.....

This is why I drug my kids to Ralphs the other day and bought (not kidding) 15 loaves of bread just because it was on sale for .99 cents a loaf.....

Besides, I LOVE the funny looks strangers give us......

Is it time for school yet?

I have no idea how crazy I drove my mom during summer vacation. I would like to believe I didn't. I grew up on a cul-de-sac with 15 kids. At least I had shit to do sometimes. Plus, being an only child, I grew up liking to read and do activities by myself sometimes.

It doesn't work this way here.

Currently, I have Jesse, the mad scientist, in the kitchen working on his 3rd science experiment he found on the internet that he may or may not complete just like the 2 before it. I did, however, just flip out on him for leaving sugar all over the kitchen literally from last night when he began making rock candy - no shit.

I also have 4 baby catfish in a Dr. Pepper 2 liter bottle in my kitchen window eating shredded cheese.

All this is going on while Janee plays beauty salon with Brody. I should be concerned yes, but Brody is such a man he just makes fun of Janee for playing beauty salon with him.

Meanwhile, I have no cushions on my couch and Harlee is in the corner hiding near an unzipped cushion pulling out the stuffing.

Time for school I think!

Hence my new definition of work -

Work = a justified reason to put on noise cancelling headphones and ignore all my children.

Magic sandwich container

As I was making the kid's lunch this morning, I couldn't help but ponder where the hell my sandwich containers have gone.

In the effort to save every cent possible, as well as save the environment 1 ziplock back at a time, I bought 4 reusable sandwich containers. Over the course of the year, I have 1.

How is this possible? Don't you eat the sandwich and put the container right back into your lunch bag?

I would expect at least that they come home moldy because someone forgot it existed....but no. They are gone.

As usual, no one did it.

That is why this morning, I set no one's sandwich on the kitchen counter with no container, and I heard from my bedroom no one putting their sandwich in a plastic grocery bag.

I wonder if magically tonight, I will have 3 more sandwich containers in my sink?

Happy Easter!!!!

Reluctantly, I purchased the Easter supplies requested of me. I figured I agreed to it, I am not going to back out of it, but next time, I am going to call her up and invite them over for filet minon and scotch.....

Anyway, as I irritatingly unloaded the crap from my car annoyed by the fact that I still have to put it together, the phone rang. It was her.

"I think we should do something nice for Don since he is coming over for free."

"I agree, however I just spent X$ on easter supplies today and I, in addition, had to buy stuff for my own kids for Sunday. I am already over budget so all I can afford is to maybe bake some cookies"

"Well, I already had him over for dinner so I thought you could get something for him"

"Like I said, I am over budget already"

"Okay, I guess"

Seriously?

This should be interesting. Mike got home and told me to cancel because he was so pissed off at the situation he wasn't sure he could be cordial.

Let the fun begin!!!

In an attempt to make friends with my neighbor, I have agreed to go over to her house Saturday for an Easter egg hunt and BBQ.

At least that is what she invited me over for when she yelled with her quiet voice across the street at me while I was sitting on my deck having drinks with Mike, and my closest friend I was just seeing for the first time in 5 years and his traveling partner.

She, herself, is the complete opposite of me. Which is fine. Except that she is all I have out here. And she has 2, 2 year old daughters. They will be all Harlee has nearby.

I grew up on a cul-de-sac full of kids.....My kids are growing up stranded, friendless, and bored.

Much unlike her, I waited until I was not busy to pick up the phone and call her to discuss..

I asked her what time - 3:00

I asked her what we could bring over for the BBQ - To which she paused for what seemed like 30 minutes and said "uuuuuuuummmmmmmm I think maybe not a BBQ"

I pretended to not be offended that I just got disinvited for half of the event of someone I really dont even know...

Much to my surprise, she called back the next day telling me that - hot dog Don would be bringing his hot dog cart to her house free of charge and giving us all free hot dogs.

Then she asked me if we should do a pinata. I am thinking WTF, but tell her sure.

Fast forward to yesterday when she called and asked me if I could bring the eggs for the hunt. Sure! and 3 bags of candy... Sure. and the pinata.............sure?.........and a bat.........sure??

So to recap: She invited me over, hot dog don is coming for free, and I am providing everything.

And I am still sitting here trying to figure out how all this happened.....