Christmas! A time for love and joy and family and giving and being a giant bitch even before you have given your family your Christmas list and having no idea what you are getting but throwing fits anyway because you think your getting the short end of the stick and are going to get ripped off while the rest of your family is drapped in diamonds and cars and so you throw so many tantrums your family wants to lock you in your bedroom for months.

Ah Christmas.

Yesterdays conversation:

"When will you go buy me new jeans?"

"Why don't you ask Santa?"

"CHRISTMAS IS NOT FOR NECESSITIES. THOSE ARE THINGS YOU HAVE TO BUY ME. CHRISTMAS IS FOR FUN STUFF"

*Storm into the house*

At least she isn't over the top or dramatic much.....

You know school is out when....

You catch Jesse in the kitchen washing dried rattlesnake guts off his knife followed up 15 minutes later by him asking for superglue.

And 1 more....

"Hey, I am doing a load of whites. Anyone who wants whites done, put them in the laundry room"

"I don't have whites, all my clothes are red and black"

15 seconds later:  "But, will you have a chance to wash my white soccer sweatshirt before the game?"

**sigh**

Ridiculous things people say to me.....

While I work:

1) What happened to my packs of Nerds in the kitchen? (Asked by the person who went trick-or-treating and brought back 6 pounds of candy)

2) Mom, I have poop on my leg.

3) You know, if we ever have a giant earthquake, make sure you drive slow over the bridge on the way out of here.

4) Where is Harlee? (asked by any of the 3 in charge of watching her)

5) Can I go to Kathy's house to babysit at 3:30? (not a bad question).....but followed up by.....Can I go to Kathy's house to babysit? (asked at 3:28 - which is why that is a dumb question.)

6) 4 phones calls later I finally pick up the phone "Sorry to bother you while your working but I got a new ball for my kids, can Janee come over and see it?"

7) Eminem screaming "you can suck my D***" over and over again while rambo works out outside...

8) Christy, they finally pulled the house next door down with a tractor

and this is only about 3 days worth......

Christmas

Ipod touch
Ipad
Cell Phone
X-box and 40 games
WII and 40 games
Trip to Tahiti
Private Jet


Yes, we probably have the only kids over the age of 5 with no cell phones, but really, what the hell do we need to be paying for 1 for? So they can text their friends all night? Pick up the damn house phone for gods sake.

And a shout out to Janee who says she can't call her friends because she has no cell phone - I am fairly certain the house phone (which is cordless) can be carried into your room and dialed out to any friend you may want to call. I digress...............

Because my older kid's Christmas lists are always unreasonable, I have become very good at listening for cues for cheaper items throughout the year.


For the last 1-1/2 years, Janee has wanted the Lion King DVD. Because Disney was prepping to re-release it, you couldn't find it in the stores....or even in a video store. Disney is clearly going broke so they have to keep us all away from it as long as possible so they can make some money re-releasing it.

Anyway, I had some Best Buy rewards that were expiring soon so I spent $30.00 of them on the freakin DVD which just pisses me off to no end.....but anyway...

I store it in the closet thinking 1 Christmas present down.

At LEAST 15 times in the last 2 weeks, she has brought up buying or renting Lion King. Because I am not going to listen to this crap and make up excuses on why we can't see the movie for the next 2 months, I told her Merry Christmas and gave it to her on Friday.

She was all excited. At the time.

However after this happens continuously and she ends up with 1 sock under the Christmas tree, I just can't wait to see her face on the 25th.

Although maybe it will be a nice way to teach her a lesson on making reasonable Christmas gifts.

Blowing wind

I have to preface this with:

I am not foolish enough to think anyone cares what other people's kids say.  It is usually never funny to anyone that is not the parent....


Yesterday Brody farted


"Did you just fart?

"No!! I am blowing wind!"

"Where did you hear that from?"

"I heard it from my butt"


Obviously.

Things I wish my daughter knew

Just because mom and dad are doing something, doesn't necessarily mean it is fun. For example, laundry, changing the oil, vacuuming - really, your not missing a good time if you just go play somewhere else....

When at the grocery store, I drive there, unload the kids, collect the groceries, pay, load the car, drive home, unload the car and put all the groceries away by myself. You sit in a stoller with a juice box and a bag of goldfish crackers and then come home and watch TV. Clearly you win. No need to get upset.

When I make 1 meal and separate it into 6 plates, what I am having is no better than what you are having. In fact, it is the same damn thing.

When I lay you down for a nap, it is not because I hate you. Cherish the nap. There will come a time when you will wish you could nap, but you will be to busy doing something horrible, like working or cleaning, and not have the chance.

When you are finished eating, just go ahead and let me know by saying I am done, or even screaming as loud as possible.....There really is no need to throw all food you don't want across the room or set in on the window sill. And....while we are on the subject....putting the food you don't want underneath you isn't really hiding it because as soon as I remove you from your seat, I am going to find it.